I’m sorry. I’m so-so sorry. I should have seen the signs right from the start, but I didn’t. I was too angry, too hateful, and now you lay 6-feet under the earth with only a stone slab as your last mark in history.
We used to be so close. What happened? I guess it all changed once mum died. You couldn’t cope and you needed something to keep you afloat in life. I thought that role was mine… not the substance that you injected into your arm.
Your eyes used to be a source of light and warmth during winter nights – so how come I didn’t question when they began radiating despair. We used to be so close like Han Solo and Chewbacca – so how come I didn’t question when you began splinting away. I should have seen the signs right from the start.
What happened to the nights we spent lying underneath the stars? When the only thing that mattered was each other. You closed yourself off and the person who was once my friend – became another face in the crowd.
With every puncture of your skin, you felt guilt – I know that now, I just wish I knew it sooner. You needed love and compassion, but I didn’t give. I was too angry, too afraid that I’ll lose you… just like we lost mum.
If I could go back – I’ll tell you that it’s ok. I’ll grab your hand, just like I used to and while staring into the eyes of the person that I love… I’ll say that I don’t blame you. You were my light, my guardian, my hero – and I should have been yours. I tried to, but all I did was enable you.
When you were financially broke – I had the cash. When you were starving – I had the meal. I thought
I was your protector, not the wall between you and the consequences.
Helping you felt like an impossible task on my own and I hated you for it. To help you, I needed to help myself and be a positive light in your darkness. But I didn’t do that, instead I focused on you and now I lost you.
I guess what I’m saying is… I failed you and I’m sorry.